A Hidden Treasure: The Child in Us
Children have many needs that must be tended to for their optimal development: to be seen and honored for who they are, to know they are wanted and that they belong, to feel loved and cherished, and so much more.
Unfortunately, many of these needs don’t get fully met in childhood.
Perhaps some of your needs were neglected because your parents worked a lot, or because they didn’t know how to create a peaceful home. For some people, there was severe neglect and even emotional or sexual abuse.
Each of us is wounded in childhood, and we carry this wounding into our adult lives. If we use it wisely, our early wounding becomes the mud of our becoming. We enter and work through this mud and emerge from it more empowered, open-hearted, and whole.
As a result of our early experiences, we adopt survival strategies. Some of us try to help or please our parents so they can finally see us and be proud of us. Some of us learn to shut down and isolate when there was chaos or conflict growing up.
We often carry these patterns into our adult relationships without realising it. When we feel overwhelmed or upset, we might react in ways that make the situation worse with a romantic partner, a close friend, or a colleague. We might react in ways that lead to more isolation and disconnection.
In moments of reactivity or sudden helplessness, the child in us becomes activated and starts to run the show. We feel threatened and we react instead of responding to what’s happening.
It is essential in these moments to take a step back and connect with the wounded child in us. Self-parenting allows us to turn toward our pain and hold space for our wounding. We connect with our vulnerability.
The more we get to know the child in us and our early wounding, the more we access the child-like qualities of our being: innocence and spontaneity, openness and joy, curiosity and wonder.
Have you ever felt desperate for attention? Have you ever craved company, or felt lonely even while surrounded by people? Have you ever felt powerless or hopeless?
Welcome to life as a human being.
A lot of us have been conditioned to be ashamed of our emotions and pain—of our sensitivity and vulnerability. We have been conditioned to hide from our humanity.
Getting to know the child in us is a major step in our maturation. The inner child carries our early wounding as well as our precious, child-like qualities such as joy, spontaneity, innocence, and openness.
None of us had all our emotional needs met in childhood. Unmet needs often show up in adulthood when we suddenly feel unwanted or unloved, uncared for or unimportant.
Our childhood wounding often lives in our shadow—we are not aware of it. In our attempts to deal with this pain, we might blame ourselves or others, repress our emotions, or try to control situations and people. These strategies leave us even more hopeless and exhausted, even more numb, bitter, and closed off.
What’s needed is intimacy with the child in us.
When we become more intimate with the pain we’ve carried since childhood, we connect with ourselves more deeply. We access this sensitive, vulnerable place where life is felt more vividly—where we feel more alive, more human.
Keeping our early wounding in healthy perspective allows us to navigate relational challenges more skilfully.
If I have a young place in me that feels “unwanted” and this wound gets stirred during conflict with my romantic partner, then I need to stay connected with this pain as I navigate the relationship. Without this awareness, I would blame my partner and think she is causing me to feel this way.
Sometimes we might feel unwanted even though nothing in the present moment supports that conclusion.
What we assume automatically and the truth of the situation can be completely different—especially when the child in us takes over and we lose touch with our adult capacities.
If I’m lost in my early wounding, almost nothing my partner does can convince me that she loves me. I become trapped in a closed loop of my own suffering, seeing everything through the eyes of the child in me.
The more we consciously explore our early wounding, the more easily we can wake up in the midst of overwhelm and emotional pain.
The child in you needs you the most in moments when:
You feel reactive about something someone said or did
You collapse energetically and feel hopeless or powerless
You feel emotionally flat or numb
You crave attention, company, or relief
You try to please people by doing the “right” thing
You try to be the “nice” guy or girl to avoid confrontation
You suddenly question yourself or your life choices
You feel unworthy or undeserving of good things
The child in us does not need to be eliminated, as if it were an error in the system. It needs a clearly attuned and compassionate adult presence—one we are fully capable of offering.
Turn toward, learn to protect, and begin to love the child in you.
His pain is yours to emerge from.
Her innocence is yours to embody.
His joy is yours to celebrate and share with the world.
This is how we live with our humanness cracked open, with grounded sanity and with an unguarded heart.